


Asking for Seconds

by EverShadow



Series: Sidelines (Alex's POV) [2]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2012-12-12
Packaged: 2017-11-20 23:58:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/591149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverShadow/pseuds/EverShadow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Second chances don't come easy, sometimes they don't come at all. (Part 2 of sidelines from Alex's POV, original sidelines story by sssammich).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asking for Seconds

Alex stares across the city line. It’s a cold night, enough for her breath to show in wisps of grey and white and it’s certainly cold enough for her to wear more than cutoffs and thin sweats. But the cold numbs her skin and she hopes that it can numb her mind too. Inside, Abby and Sarah snuggle up on the couch and Alex recognizes the faint dialogue drifting through the cracks of their sliding glass door. She can picture the scene in her head, she’s seen it at least a dozen times.

“I'm just exactly where I want to be.” Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Alex loves the movie, though she’d never tell anyone just how much she loves it. It was beautiful, romantic and heartbreaking and when she closes her eyes, she can see what Abby and Sarah see. The two main characters, lying on the Charles River, cuddled up close to each other in the freezing winter night. She imagines warm arms around her, holding her close and telling her that there’s no where else they’d want to be than there. And she would turn and smile, and stare into those light brown eyes, and those gleaming white teeth, and run her hands through long, messy, brown hair...

Alex’s eyes snap open and she almost falls out of her seat with a jolt. Her heart threatens to jump off the balcony and she stares so hard at the railing she’s sure she’s burnt a hole. The image fades in her mind, the last to go is the smile, but it’s certainly not the smile of her boyfriend. She reaches up to her necklace and touches it. It cuts into her neck, like it weighs a ton. She stands and hurries back into the apartment, slamming the sliding door behind her.

“About time you came in.” Abby says without looking. Sarah looks up from her spot, her shoulders tucked under Abby’s arm.

“Don’t want you catching a cold.” Sarah chimes in. Alex is silent as she rushes to the bathroom sink and turns on the tap. She meant to get a glass of water, as her throat has become unbearably dry but somewhere between the kitchen and the blue and white tiles lining the bathroom walls she forgets why she’s turned on the tap in the first place. She stares at the water running uselessly down the drain for a few minutes, not even knowing what should be going through her mind, before a soft knock on the door snapped her out of her stupor.

“You ok?” Abby watches her behavior with a concerned gaze. Alex turns off the tap and pushes the hair from her face.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“You’ve been acting strange since yesterday. Are you ok?” Alex tries to think back to what yesterday was, and when she remembers, she wishes she didn’t.

It’s the first time she’s seen Tobin with that girl.

“I’m fine.” She replies. Sarah approaches from behind and rests her chin - she has to stand on her tiptoes - on Abby’s shoulder.

“Servando’s calling.” She said, holding up Alex’s pink phone. Alex holds out a hand to catch it and she does, despite secretly wishing she would miss and have the battery fall out as it hit the floor. It would be an excuse to put off talking to him for just a little longer. But the phone lands securely in her hands and she has no choice, not while Abby and Sarah are both watching, but to answer.

“Hey.”

“Hey, babe, I’ve been calling for hours now. You ok? We haven’t talked since yesterday.” Servando’s voice floats through the receiver. Abby and Sarah return to their movie and Alex sits on the edge of the bathtub, listening to Servando’s once soothing voice. She doesn’t know why it doesn’t feel that way anymore. She simultaneously want him to be there for her, to make her feel like she belongs in his arms and for him to hang up and leave her alone.

"I'm just tired." She sighs.

"You want me to come over?" He asks. She wants to say yes. She's always more sure when he's standing next to her.

"No, I'll see you tomorrow though."

"I love you." His voice is sure. Her response isn't. It is muscle memory that dials Tobin's number less than a second after they hang up. She can't explain the flood of relief that washes through her body when Tobin answers.

"Hey, what's up, dude?" Tobin's voice sounds breathy, like she had just worked out. It isn't until Alex catches a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror that she realizes that she's smiling again.

"Hey! Just wondering if you wanted to come over..." Her words are cut short by a voice in the background calling Tobin's name. It's a voice that hurts her ears when she hears it.

"Tobin, come back to bed, it's freezing." The barely audible sentence does what sitting on the balcony couldn't; it numbs her whole body, starting from her toes and reaching her brain in seconds. She hangs up the phone before she can hear anything else. 

~**~

"Hey, are you OK? You just hung up yesterday and didn't return any of my calls." Tobin's hand is fire on her arm and she does her best to casually pull it away. It doesn't work because Tobin's eyebrows knit together further in concern.

"I'm fine." It's a lie and they both know it but Tobin mutters a confirmation and hurries to her position. She hears Cheney behind her ask,

"Is that your girl in the stands?" Alex forces herself not to look. She locks her neck in place by placing her hands on her head and closes her eyes. She can practically feel the warmth emanating from Tobin's beaming smile. She wants the practice game to begin, she wants Jill to make her run until all she can think about is the most efficient way to get air into her burning lungs and limbs.

"How long have you two been going out? 3 months? Is it serious?" She wants Cheney to shut up.

"Yeah, it's getting pretty serious. But I like it." Alex is never more thankful than when the whistle blows and she takes off as fast and hard as she could towards anything away from Tobin. Her footsteps were never this heavy, but it's to be expected when her heart weighs so much.

~**~

Alex and booze don't mix well. She's also a light weight so it doesn't take much for her to start swaying in place and wanting things she shouldn't have. She can't tear her eyes away from Tobin and her girlfriend, she doesn't even bother trying to come up with a name to match her face. She manages another shot of liquid courage before she has the opportunity to approach Tobin alone. Her girlfriend, the term burns her mouth as much as the alcohol, leaves, motioning towards the bathroom and Alex steps forward.

Only to be intercepted by Kelley O'Hara.

"Don't." Kelley warns.

"Don't what?" Alex demands the obvious and Kelley's expression says just as much. Hope must be giving her lessons in observing every fucking detail.

"She's happy. Leave her alone. She just started getting over it." _It_. Not _you_. _It_. Like there wasn't a second person involved at all, like it didn't hurt both of them when it happened.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Alex pushes Kelley aside and stumbles over to Tobin. She puts her arm around her and plasters a fake, friendly smile on her face, something she learned all too well how to do from watching Tobin.

"Why don't we hang out anymore?" She asks, placing her head at the junction of Tobin's neck and shoulders. Tobin stiffens under her and Alex knows exactly what crosses her mind. She knows Tobin remembers the last time Alex was this drunk.

"We hung out last weekend." Tobin answers.

"I miss my best friend." The words tumble out unchecked and Alex can feel Tobin's discomfort grow.

"You have me." Her voice is low and serious yet reserved as though she wasn't sure what sure what Alex wanted.

"How much of you do I have?" The question hangs in the air and Tobin turns her head to look Alex in the eye. Her gaze burns into Alex's and her jaw tightens. She studies Alex's face, looking for answers that Alex isn't prepared to give and for the longest time, the young forward just stares at Tobin's lips.

"Hey, sorry that took so long." Tobin breaks off their eye contact and slips out from under Alex's arms and into her girlfriend's. They lean in to kiss and Alex has to look away or risk the image being burned into her mind. "Everything OK, babe?" She walks away before she hears the "I love you" that will ring in her ears for hours to come. 

~**~

She's not religious, not like Tobin. But if praying gave Tobin strength enough to deal with her pain, then maybe God could help her too. Alex sits in the back and listens to the sermon. If anything, it is comforting to have someone just talking in a charismatic, warm, nurturing way. It reminds her a little of Pia, and she settles into a lull. She stays there long after the service ends.

"I haven't seen you here before. Are you a visitor?" Alex looks up into the caring eyes of the priest.

"Oh, yes. I hope it's OK."

"Of course. Let me know if you need anything."  He gives her a warm smile and walks away. What she needs, she thinks, is her best friend. But she's not sure what that means. Without the booming voice of the speaker, her thoughts fill the empty, quiet spaces in her head and she suddenly realizes why Tobin prays so hard. She closes her eyes and pushes everything else away and focuses only on what she wants to say to God. Even then, she has no idea what she should even say in her prayers. So she settles for the only thing she can think of.

 _Guide me in the right direction_. She repeats it over and over and touches her forehead to her hands. It strikes her just how vulnerable she is. That anyone looking would see everything about her exposed. She's seen Tobin like that and suddenly she understands just how private a moment that was. She recalls thinking how beautiful Tobin was when she prayed. Now she understands what that really means; Tobin is most beautiful when all of her defenses are stripped bare and she has nothing to shield her heart.

~**~

She sees Servando standing outside her apartment and her heart drops like a stone. She doesn't need to pull out her phone to know that there are probably at least twenty missed calls and twice as many texts.

"I'm so sorry." She reaches for his hand but he takes a step back to avoid her.

"This isn't about you forgetting about our date." He prefaces. "Although you don't know just how worried I was."

"I'm sorry, I lost track of time..."

"It's not about that." He says. "Do you know who called me today?" Alex knows before he speaks again. "Tobin. She called me to ask if you were feeling any better. I'm your boyfriend, and I didn't know what she was talking about. I didn't even know that you were having a tough time."

"It was nothing."

"You don't talk to me anymore. We haven't had a proper conversation in a month! I want to know what's going on in your life. I want to be there for you." His eyes are full of concern and Alex feels like the worst girlfriend for making him worry so.

"I'm fine." She tries to convince him that she's OK, that they're OK. But he knows better than that.

"If Tobin calls me..." his eyes light up as though he's made a connection and for a moment, Alex is sure he's figured it out before she can admit it to herself. "You know what's sad? The fact that I know Tobin knows more about you than I ever will."

"She's my best friend." Alex feels her face flush with anger. This is how their last argument started except this time Servando is completely sober.

"She's in love with you."

"I'm not in love with her." Alex hisses. She knows how this ends. Whether he believes her or not, she knows the end of a relationship when she sees it. The light and fire in Servando's eyes are gone; he's given up the fight.

"You sure you're not?" He looks at her with his soft, dark brown eyes that dance with unshed tears. His pride is the only thing keeping him from crying. When she takes too long to reply because the question sets off something deep in the pit of stomach resembling doubt, he laughs and tucks his hands in his pockets. "It's OK." It's not but he says it anyway. He's a good man. He's probably the only man Alex will love this much. But it's not right and Alex isn't sure it will ever be. She freezes in place and let's him hug her one last time. He places a kiss on her forehead and tries his best to smile for her.

"We had a good run." He whispers. "I was so lucky...I was the luckiest man." He kisses her on the head one last time before he let's her go, and her whole body is cold again. 

She does the only thing she knows how to do.

~**~

"He just broke up with you?" Tobin's arms feel more right with every passing second. Alex bites her lip and savors the feeling of what could be. She allows herself to sink into Tobin's chest, to use her grief for this purpose because she has no other excuse but the truth to be there. And she knows she can't lie much longer.

"But you two seemed so happy. What happened?" It might be her imagination, wishful thinking, but Tobin doesn't sound quite as genuine as she tries.

"We weren't happy. I wasn't happy." Tobin's breath tickles the thin baby hairs on her head. Alex squirms a little until she's facing Tobin. Her heart feels like it could give out at any moment. She wants "them" to start now. She doesn't want to use excuses to be in Tobin's arms. "We broke up because..." Alex sucks in a breath and wills herself to force the words out even if her lungs are depleted and her courage even more lacking. "Because he thought I had feelings for you." Tobin takes a long moment to process her confession. Her eyebrows furrow together and she just stares straight at Alex until Alex can't look at her anymore.

"But he's wrong." Tobin said slowly, feeling out the words as they rise in her throat. Alex shakes her head so slightly it could have been mistaken for a nervous tremble.

"He was right." It takes Tobin twice as long to process that statement and before she can fully grasp the full force of Alex's declaration, Alex angles her head and presses her lips right at the corner of Tobin's mouth. Tobin recoils as though she'd just been hit with a rocket, and she scrambles to her feet and the scene plays out all too familiarly. Alex should have learned her lesson the first time she kissed Tobin. But, she thinks, it's different this time. It's different because she's sober and she's sure the feeling is mutual. But Tobin wipes her lips with the back of her hand just like before, only this time, instead of just hurt, her eyes show anger and betrayal too. Alex tries to breathe, but only tears leave her body.

"No." Tobin backs away and grabs her coat off of the couch. "You don't get to do this." Her hands are on the door before Alex can muster even a step. She's gone already when Alex finally catches her breath. 


End file.
